U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) / Flickr DHS Secretary John F Kelly holds...
U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) / Flickr

You know, in addition to the President Evil trilogy, I am currently working on an actual novel, a lighthearted parody of all things Trump. And these days, every time I turn on MSNBC or CNN, I cry bitter tears that my dream title, “The road to perdition” was already taken by a stupid movie.

The greatest accomplishment of Trump is his uncanny ability to make something you lived through only 7 short months ago seem like it occurred in the late 1700’s, and you had to read it in a history book.

Although is seems like prehistoric times, it was only last summer that we were celebrating the elevation of retired general John Kelly to the post of The Combover Poodle’s chief of staff. Like HR McMaster, Kelly was going to be one of the “adults in the room,” bringing sanity to an insane west wing, and making sure that the Toddler in Chief got his anti hallucinogens on schedule. What in the hell happened?

The career of John Kelly is long only when compared to nincompoops like Reince Priebus and Anthony Scaramucci, But in less than seven months, John Kelly has done more to disgrace both his personal, and professional dignity and honor than most men can accomplish in a lifetime, regardless of how self destructive they are. Let’s look at just a few of the more notable lowlights of his disastrous tenure.

Right off of the bat, Kelly made a fool of himself, when in responding to a question about his idjit overlords twitter excesses, Kelly replied that it wasn’t his job to change the President, only to control the flow of information into his office. Either Kelly was totally and blissfully ignorant of his actual duties, or he was lying his army issue ass off. No other possibility exists. In most White House’s, the chief of staff is the most powerful figure in the building. In a normal White House, as generally the last person the President speaks to or sees, they are the calming influence, the steady hand on the reins, the soft pat on the cheek, and yes, occasionally the swift kick in the ass. Most Presidents pick a chief of staff that they respect, are personally comfortable with, and have great regard and respect for. Trump didn’t know John Kelly from Adam, he only knew that he was a general. And not just any general, he was one of “my generals” to Trump. John Kelly sold his personal and professional soul to the cheapest, dumbest devil in hell.

But John Kelly was just getting warmed up, he hadn’t even walked from the bullpen to the pitchers mound yet. With Charlottesville, he threw his first strike. The images of Kelly, standing with his arms crossed, staring morosely at the ground, slowly shaking his head as his boss boss called goose steppers and cross burners “many fine people.” Did Kelly publicly disavow Trump’s comments? Or, lacking that, did he make a personal statement, condemning the racist assholes terrorizing an American city? No, of course not. Instead, he chose to try to defend and obfuscate his boss’s verbal diarrhea by explaining how “a lack of compromise” led to the Civil War. Oh! DUH me! So, the fact that the north took a pass on keeping people in chains, it somehow or other justifies pinheads who wear bedsheets running down young women in the street? Man, I’m so glad he cleared that up for me.

The one that really kills me is Kelly’s handling of the unfortunate situation between Numbnuts and the widow of a fallen American hero, Sergeant LaDavid Johnson. This was inexcusable. After all, it wasn’t that many years ago when Kelly himself may have been writing that condolence letter to his widow, and maybe making a phone call. When Trumposaurus Rex poured salt in Mrs Johnson’s grief by coldly saying, “He knew what he signed up for,” and then lying about having uttered such a thing, what did John Kelly do? Did he apologize publicly for his boss’s insensitivity? Did he tell Trump to get his dumb ass back on that phone and make amends? Nah. He just breezily explained it away by saying that while Trump may not have expressed himself in the most delicate and appropriate way, hey! At leat he made the phone call! And when Florida congresswoman Frederika Wilson, a lifelong friend of the family who heard the phone call called Trump out on his lie of not having said it, Kelly took to the White House briefing room podium and castigated Wilson, twice referring to her as “an empty barrel making noise,” and blathering an insane lie about her speech at an FBI building dedication, which had absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand. Kelly couldn’t have brought more dishonor to his service if he had taken his uniform out of the closet and wiped his ass with it. And he compounded the disgrace by doubling down on his comments in the face of a video of the speech disproving his story.

And now, to elevate his pedestal in the Pantheon Of Pricks, Kelly gives us a twofer in less than 48 hours. A couple of days ago, he first states, and then doubles down on the assertion that some young undocumented immigrants couldn’t be bothered to “get off of their asses” to fill out the DACA paperwork. The fact that many of them were rightly terrified that a future GOP scumbag President might pull the rug out from under them, which is exactly what is happening, seems to escape him. I doing so, Kelly showed himself to be exactly the same stereotypical, racist asshole that his boss is. And then, he responds to news that he has a physically abusive thug under his command by trying to jump start the process to give him political sainthood. His reaction to this disclosure makes me seriously wonder about his decision making process in cases of male to female abuse claims from soldiers under his command.

I’m going to turn 61 in a couple of weeks, and I have never seen anything like this. Sure, I’ve seen plenty of people rise to prominence, only to have dark secrets from their past tear them down, hell, Trump’s Access Hollywood tape is a perfect example. But I have never seen anyone spend their entire life nurturing and growing their honor, integrity, and dignity, and then tie themselves to a pole atop a pile of gas soaked sticks, smile, and drop a lit match. What I cannot understand is, why? What is it about the reverse Midas that is Trump, who turns everything he touches into shit, that could convince a man of honor and dignity to turn himself into an object or scorn and derision. If I were HR McMaster of Jim Mattis, I’d be booking my one way ticket to anywhere-but-here USA right about now. Because, stick around, and the bell will toll for thee as well my friends.

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