Photo by Albert Halim on ShutterStock

Dear Trump supporters,

It’s your long-lost pal, Reality. I know we haven’t been in touch for years, but after the violent attack on the U.S. Capitol, I felt it was time to reach out. I’m concerned about you.

We didn’t always see eye to eye on things, but we respected each other until Trump came along. That’s when our relationship became strained, and we had “the falling out.”

I don’t want to point fingers and imply it was all your fault. I certainly bear some of the blame. I was cold. You might even say indifferent.

I’ve always been a stickler for facts and science and shit like that. So, I was baffled when you fought against wearing masks during a pandemic. That’s the sort of thing that sets me off.

Perhaps I came off as a know-it-all elitist? Mea culpa. I’m not going to sit here and lecture you about the alt-facts and conspiracy theories swirling around inside that MAGA hat of yours. Hey, it’s a free country. If you want to believe a disproven and discredited far-right conspiracy theory alleging that a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles is running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotting against your Dear Leader––who is valiantly fighting for truth and justice and Jesus––then knock yourself out.

Just don’t knock other people out. Also, don’t riot or kill. I can’t stress that last part enough.

I heard you bought a place over there in Fantasyland. It looks like a fun neighborhood, if not a bit crowded. I could never live there.

You know me, I hate the burbs — but as long as you’re happy. Ignorance is bliss, I always say. Some of your neighbors seem way out there though.

Are they the ones feeding you all this QAnon crap? I swear, I’ve lost more acquaintances to those idiots than narcotics. Still, I’m not going to judge you. You do you. You don’t have to be woke but it’d be nice if you were at least awake.

I do have one pet peeve, aside from the rioting and domestic terrorism you’ve been cheering on. Please don’t tell me to “do my own research.” As the eternal state of human consciousness, I’m pretty up to speed on things in that regard.

The random blog article you found that was keystroked by the Proud Boy incel living in his mother’s basement? That isn’t going to enlighten me. It might make me laugh, but it’s not going to alter — well — me.

I was telling my friend Karma just the other day about how all my Trump-supporting friends are cutting me off. She’s not as magnanimous about events as I am. I don’t take things so personally but man, you do NOT want to piss her off. She once gave COVID-19 to 80 members of a congregation. And these were good God-fearing folk.

Karma’s a big reason you and all your pals are getting booted from Twitter and Facebook and de-platformed from Parler. She did think it was funny you guys pushed for corporations to have unlimited power for years, then started crying like a little snowflake when privately owned Twitter stopped supporting your QAnon terrorist clique. We got a good laugh over that. So she’s not completely humorless.

I hope the murderous insurrection Trump incited in the U.S. Capitol this week serves as a real wake-up call for you. I used to believe you were one of the more grounded people I knew. You didn’t watch Fox News, let alone OANN or Newsmax. Man, those guys really hate me! They won’t even let me near the building. I don’t know if it’s a legal thing or if good old Reality just rubs them the wrong way.

How is your family? I bet little Karen and Chad are getting big now. The last time I checked you had pulled them out of the public school which you labeled as “Sodom and Gomorrah Elementary.” I hope they’re happy at the new fundamentalist religious school. There’s another group that can’t stand me. Like I’m the damn enemy.

Did you at least tell the kids I exist? I hate to think of them growing up without even knowing who I am. I don’t like to give parenting advice, but you do need to prepare them for the real world. It’s no joke out here and, unless they’re going to be Amish, they need to learn how to interact with both the secular and metaphysical world. Hell we’re not all bad out here.

Anyhoo, I’m glad you at least heard me out. It’s been a long four years. I’m sure you’re tired of battling Reality. I want you to know that, unlike Karma, I bear no ill-will towards you. I would welcome you back with open arms today if you’d have me.

Let’s reunite, catch up, and just see how it goes. No pressure. I’m always here for you when you’re ready. Never forget that, and much love to you and your whole family.

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