If you’re a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fan, you may remember the Ameglian Major Cow from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. It was selectively bred to want to be eaten, which relieved the carnivore who ordered it from any whiff of guilt over the luckless bovine’s imminent exctinction.

We’re not exactly there yet with respect to the millions of MAGAs who are refusing the COVID-19 vaccine in an apparent attempt to totes own cautious cucks like me, but give it some time. After all, you might say they’re already whistling to the graveyard. 

I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife, but if Charles Darwin happens to be in heaven, hell, or somewhere in between, I can only imagine he’s popping deep-fried Galapagos finches in his mouth like Jiffy Pop popcorn while obsessively binge-watching videos of unvaxxed MAGA deludenoids.  

Speaking of deludenoids, progressive radio host David Pakman recently unearthed this video from a July 23 Marjorie Taylor Greene fundraiser in Dothan, Alabama, and hoo-boy, it’s somethin’. 


GREENE: “And one more thing on that: You lucky people here in Alabama might get a knock on your door because I hear that Alabama might be one of the most unvaccinated states in the nation. [Applause and cheers!] Well, Joe Biden wants to come talk to you guys. He’s gonna be sending one of his police state friends to your front door to knock on the door, take down your name, your address, your family members’ names, your phone numbers, your cellphone numbers, probably after your Social Security number, and whether you’ve taken the vaccine or not. Yeah, well, what they don’t know is that in the South we all love our Second Amendment rights, and we’re not really big on strangers showing up on our front door, are we? They might not like the welcome they get.”

So Joe Biden wants to save vaccine-hesitant Alabamans’ lives—because, you know, he’s a president for all Americans, no matter how stupid they may be—and yet the best they’ll get from Donald Trump is an official signed Make America Gasp Again intubation tube. Take a wild guess who these folks like better. 

Also, vaccine promoters will “take down your name, your address, your family members’ names, your phone numbers, your cellphone numbers, probably after your Social Security number, and whether you’ve taken the vaccine or not”? Yeah, with the exception of those last two, that’s pretty much what you’d call a census. And I have a strong feeling the federal government already has my Social Security number. Just a hunch.

But by all means, Marj—tell these maniacs to murder the people who are coming to save their lives. Just curious: What do you do with Girl Scouts who show up at your door after selling their last box of Do-si-dos to your idiot neighbor? Do you plug them once in the leg or just fire a couple warning shots?

Oh, and no febrile MAGA rant would be complete without a dollop of calumny directed at Dr. Fauci:

GREENE: “Let me tell you something else that makes me sick. We have a man that no one elected. You didn’t vote for him. I didn’t vote for him. I’m not talking about Joe Biden. I’ll get to him in a minute. I’m talking about Dr. Tony Fauci. We didn’t vote for him. He makes more money in the federal government than the president of the United States. Don’t forget, President Trump never took a paycheck, everybody. Right? But Joe Biden takes his paycheck. Dr. Tony Fauci funded with your tax dollars, he funded it in the Wuhan lab. … He funded COVID-19, the gain-of-function research. That is his baby. That is his experiment, and he’s getting to watch in the real world, like a live television show where he has a front-row seat. He gets to watch what happens. So this man sent your tax dollars, my tax dollars through a third-party to the Wuhan lab, where the gain of function was used to take a virus that was spread between animals and it was changed into a virus that’s spread between humans, all over the world, has gotten people sick and they’re dying.”

Sure, Trump didn’t take a salary, but he funneled plenty of federal money to his businesses. For some reason, I don’t think Dr. Fauci was trying to strong-arm the federal government into hosting the G7 Summit in his kitchen. And saying Tony Fauci created COVID-19 is like saying I got sexually transmitted monkeypox from Marjorie Taylor Greene. It’s highly unlikely, for a lot of reasons.

Then again, people who will cheer their own imminent deaths are likely to believe anything, right?

By the way, the torrent of lunacy isn’t the only thing that’s remarkable about this video. MTG finally said something true! Alabama is, in fact, dead last in the nation in the percentage of its residents who are fully vaccinated

Go figure.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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