Things’ve been pretty goddamn nutty for a while now, but today was like if Sid and Marty Krofft directed a Jack Ryan movie set in a Yes album cover. If the goal here is to gaslight the whole country, it is motherfucking WORKING.
Let’s start with the light stuff.
The Associated Press reports H.R. McMaster and other members of the national security team are having the damndest time preventing the Toddler-in-Chief from wandering off to have secret meetings with Putin, to give away state secrets or blow up Germany or who the fuck knows what. Maybe you should get him one of those child leashes, H.R.!
Yeah, that’s what passes for “light stuff” these days, heaven help us all.
The Hollywood Reporter* tells us that Rupert Murdoch wanted Fox News to use their influence on the behalf of “anyone but Trump…even Hillary,” during last year’s election, marking the first time in your life when you really wish Rupert Frickin’ Murdoch got what he wanted. Stopped clocks and all that.
*I know, right? We’ll be reading about this shit in Cat Fancy and Lowrider before we’re done.
I guess Sunny D-Bag broke with tradition in declining the NAACP’s invitation to speak at their convention, presumably once Bannon told him what the “CP” stands for. (Drumpf has been hoping it was “Chocolate Pretzels,” and that, as President, he would be entitled to a second helping of samples, and possibly also to meet Willy Wonka.)
Kris Kobach & his Kooky Kulling Komission got together yesterday, and Kris was all WE MAY NEVER KNOW if Hillary got 3 million more popular votes, even though we know it right now. “It’s likely to remain one of life’s great mysteries,” Kobach said, “Like who won the World Series in 1985, or Are Pandas Real?”
Made in America Week continues to go swimmingly, as Carrier, that air conditioning manufacturer that Dorito Mussolini loves to brag about, laid off a few hundred workers to ship their jobs to Mexico. Oh, and Marm-a-Lago picked this week to ask for permission to hire 70 new foreign workers. Whoever’s in charge of messaging for these clowns clearly deserves a bonus.
Exxon Mobil got slapped with a $2 million fine for violating sanctions against Russia while under the leadership of Russian Order of Friendship recipient/Current Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Having the entire nation’s diplomacy overseen by a dude who violated sanctions with a major rival is pretty normal, no matter what the LAMESTREAM MEDIA tells you, right? Anyhow, I bet this’ll make Exxon think twice about ignoring sanctions for the sake of their billions and billions of dollars worth of oil development rights over there…I could be wrong, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a math class.
Speaking of Russia and money, didja see that Paul Manfort just so happened to hold 17 million bucks worth of debt laundered through Cyprus and owed to pro-Russian interests right before he took over Shartboy’s campaign, and amended the official GOP platform to ease up on all that Ukraine-related Russia punishment? There are so many wacky coincidences here, you’d feel your intelligence was being insulted if this weren’t real life. (Manafort demanded a retraction; NYT responded by telling him to kiss their Dying Print Butthole.)
And then a late story from the Wall Street Journal says Mueller is investigating Paulie for possible money laundering. ZANY. BUT WILL TONY AND ANGELA EVER GET TOGETHER?
A whistleblower by the name of Joel Clement took to the pages of the Washington Post to sound the alarm that Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants in on some of that sweet administrative-state-dismantlin’ action his buddies Rex n’ Scotty are always talking about in the lunchroom. Zinke’s transferring all those pesky scientists to new jobs outside their fields of expertise, sometimes to new states (at taxpayer expense, naturally) cuz you don’t really need scientists when all you’re about is figuring out ways to give national parks away to fossil fuel companies. Actually, I’m told they get kinda bitchy about that sort of thing. Off to the mines with them, then.
And then the Neanderthal grifters running Interior pulled a couple of climate change experts off a Mark Zuckerberg tour of Glacier National Park, because Science goes away if you shut your eyes real tight, cover your ears, and go “nahnahnahnahnah” real loud.
Yeah, the Shart Administration may be failing on countless fronts, but they’re doing pretty well with their little War on Competence.
Anyhow, President Shartcannon decided it’d been awhile since he last had a peanut butter and bath salt sandwich and sat down to jabber at the Failing New York Times, so he made sure he had fresh bowl of poo to throw at the wall, and gave Maggie Haberman, Peter Baker, and Michael S. Schmidt a ring.
They talked about parades, and holding hands with boys, and imaginary media friends who said he gave the Best Speech Ever in Poland, and Napoleon, and…shit, this can’t all be real, can it?…”giving the farmers back their farms,” and…are we sure this wasn’t Alec Baldwin?…how the gas attacks in Syria were bigger under Dumb Ol’ Obama and how Comey tried to blackmail him with the pisshooker dossier and…and…I guess Rod Rosenstein can’t be trusted cuz he’s from Baltimore?…and…fuck, I can’t read anymore of this shit, my brain will run screaming from my skull.
Oh, and he apparently thinks health insurance costs 12 bucks a year. Yup. Half a tank of gas, you get health insurance. Skip one latte every four months, get all the tumors you want, we’ll remove ’em free of charge. You wonder if it ever occurs to him, in that walnut-sized brain, what the big fucking deal about health care is if you can get a lifetime’s worth for the price of a 16th row seat to a Miley Cyrus concert. (Or, for that matter, how insurance companies stay open charging their customers less than Dunkin’ Donuts charges for a stale cruller.)
The BIG headline was, of course, SCROTUS shitting all over his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, for recusing himself from the Russia investigation.
Yup, La Grande Sharte is 31 flavors of pissed off at Jeff Sessions. After all, he has been seriously derelict in his duties as Attorney General, which, as we all know, are covering up the President’s crimes for him, up to and including personally destroying evidence, and also probably cutting his Presidential toenails every few months, once they start poking holes in his socks.
Despite being absolutely humiliated by his boss in the press, Sessions has refused to resign, partially because the last remnants of his spine liquified sometime last summer, and partially because goshdarnit, he’s just havin’ too much good old-fashioned country-boy FUN sending a fresh new generation of young men of color into the prison-industrial complex with his renewed War on Drugs.
Still, rumor is the President is considering Sessions to live on a farm, where he’ll have plenty of space to run around and administer an asset forfeiture program among the chickens and cows.
And of course Il Douche did one of his patented plausible-deniability dances about firing Special Counsel Robert Mueller. He hinted that investigations into his personal finances would be an intolerable line to cross.
And then we found out that Mueller is indeed investigating Shart Garfunkel’s personal finances, from the Miss Universe pageant to his shady oligarch real estate deals, to whether the change in the Oval Office sofa cushions is in rubles.
In the aftermath of their dirtbag boss throwing Sessions under a bus (and not just a regular bus, but like, a bus with monster truck wheels, with like, spikes on the tires and shit. Like, a fucking Mad Max bus), CNN reports a “chilling effect” among the President’s staff.
Turns out, giving your loyalty to a rampaging criminal shitsack with a decades-long history of fucking other people over while protecting his own ass at any cost might not be the best career move. HUH. I for one am simply overwhelmed with sympathy for those colluding fucks. I’ll send you cookies in jail.
I guess at the G-20 summit, Akie Abe, Japan’s First Lady, literally pretended she didn’t speak English over the course of an entire two-hour dinner just to avoid talking to our Idiot Manchild President until he walked out of her life forever. I have never been more jealous of any human being in my entire fucking life.
John K Bush, a lunatic hate blogger who thinks World Net Daily is a news source, was confirmed to the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals today. Lifetime appointment. Barf. While it’s funny as fuck to watch these assclowns flounder about in futile attempts to pass any legislation more significant than post office naming, they’re still fucking up the judiciary, so, y’know…VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
On the health care front, we’re getting CBO scores left and right these days. I found the CBO score for a dream Rand Paul had where he was riding a pink dinosaur while denying medical treatment to serfs. It would add 38 million to the rolls of the uninsured by 2033, many of which, the CBO admitted, would be eaten by Velociraptors. Mitch McConnell had a Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit for breakfast this morning that will increase the number of uninsured by 12 by 2018, and 29 by 2026.
Anyhow, they’re voting next Tuesday, even though they don’t know which version they’re fucking voting on, some sort of monstrous Mr. Potato Head murder-and-tax-cuts bill. John Cornyn, a man I am told is somehow a United States Senator, says that telling the American people, or even the Senators voting, what’s in a bill before voting on it is “a luxury we don’t have.” Because that’s how the Founding Fathers always intended the American government to work.
Maybe they’ll just agree to a resolution declaring Ted Cruz to be an asshole, and we can all fucking move on.
Meanwhile CNN tells us (man, we really heard from everybody today, didn’t we?) that Kushner-family-owned companies are still using Jar-Jar’s name and status to scare up Chinese investors. No word on what will happen to the Kushner brand once Jocular Jared is jailed.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand just when you thought it was safe to look away for a moment, you got hit with dueling Times/Post articles about the Candycorn Skidmark’s legal team desperately attempting to remove or discredit Bob Mueller, because there’s not a lot else you can do when your client is as fucking guilty as the one they’ve got.
I guess the best they can come up with is a few of the lawyers on Mueller’s team made some donations to Democrats, and Mueller himself is a apparently orchestrating the entire fraudulent Russia scandal cuz of a years-old grudge over membership fees at a golf club? Hmmm. Methinks perhaps you’re projecting your personal pettiness, pals.
Oh, and the word is Toupee Fiasco is putting out feelers as to whether or not he’s allowed to pardon himself and his family, no big deal, asking for a friend.
Yeah. We’ve gone from “No collusion, and how dare you bring it up” to “Hey, I can pardon myself, right?” in, what? A week and a half? Is America great again yet?
And a couple of Drumpf’s lawyers quit or were fired tonight. It never fucking stops, does it?
I know I probably missed some shit, there’s always more these days, but forgive me, I already feel like I’ve been locked in a dryer for five hours with six cats. I need to do something to relax…like maybe an 8-ball.