Kevin Morejon / Flickr AT amp T reportedly hired Trump...
Kevin Morejon / Flickr

Trump lawyer Michael Cohen really jumped onto the national stage during Donald Trump’s presidential campaign as the “Says who?” guy. It presented him as we have all come to know him—sort of dumb, sort of wealthy, and proof that people can fail up. In short, he’s the perfect representative for Donald Trump. While Trump takes time away from golfing and calling people of color “animals” in order to pay off Cohen’s legal expenses, America wonders how someone like Michael Cohen lasted so long in Trump’s employ. Is it that Michael Cohen has spent his career tirelessly cleaning up after Trump’s messy affairs, and knows where all the “bodies are buried?” Probably. But as the satirical publication The Onion reported on Monday, Michael Cohen also sends out letters to satirical newspapers admonishing them for writing … satire.

In an article titled “‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience,” The Onion explains and prints their response to a 2013 letter they received from Michael Cohen in regards to his client Donald Trump. The article that got Michael Cohen’s attention was “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years.” That satirical piece, while a bit dark, begins like so:

My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re feeling low, just remember that I, Donald Trump, will be dead in roughly 15 to 20 years.

That’s right. In the not-very-distant future I will die and then be gone from the world for all eternity. You may even get to watch me in a casket on national television being lowered into the ground, never to be seen again. I bet you’re smiling just thinking about that.

Teehee. As The Onion explains, they had “vetted” the article before it went out to their “over 10 billion readers.” They received the letter from Cohen shortly thereafter but had not opened it until last week. Here’s an excerpt:

Let me begin by stating the obvious…that the commentary was not written by Mr. Trump. Secondly, the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism; even in your Onion.

I am hereby demanding that you immediately remove this disgraceful piece from your website and issue an apology to Mr. Trump.

I further ask that you contact immediately to discuss.

This commentary goes way beyond defamation and, if not immediately removed, I will take all actions necessary to ensure your actions do not go without consequence. Guide yourself accordingly.

The Onion is finally ready to “discuss” with Michael Cohen.

As Mr. Trump is now the leader of the free world, now is clearly the best time to resume our discussion. While it is generally not our policy to let outside forces affect our editorial decisions, the opportunity to gain a direct line to the president clearly presents a special case. We would be more than willing to accommodate Mr. Cohen’s wishes—provided we get something in return, of course. A quid pro quo, if you will.

[…]

Mr. Cohen, in trying to reach you, we have called both phone numbers you provided us and even sent a courier to your New York offices. After receiving no reply, we can only assume you are trying to stonewall us. We are growing concerned that you have remained silent because you have been building a rock-solid case against us for the last five years, and in fact shudder to even imagine the detailed, thorough, and likely damning charges you would bring forward. But it does not have to be this way.

I haven’t stopped laughing.

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