Maybe We Should Rename “The News.” Call it “The *sshole Chronicles” or Some Sh*t.

New Hampshire Public Radio / Flickr John McCain in Nashua...
New Hampshire Public Radio / Flickr

Hello chums.  As always, you can find the post at my super-rad blog site: showercapblog.com/…

Some days, when I wrap up the ol’ Poo Joke Blog, I look over the work and say “Well done, Cap. You’ve earned your brew tonight.” Others…I step back, look at the thirty-foot-high wall of fresh scum that’s accumulated on my beautiful country over just a few short days and it’s all I can do stop myself from projectile vomiting like a Team America puppet.

You know, I’m never gonna claim I’ve figured out the meaning of life or anything, but I will say this…if you’re the kind of person that makes your colleagues go, “Stay the fuck away from my funeral, you putrid sack of scrotal rot,” you’re probably doing something wrong.

John McCain is a tricky figure for us Resisters. Saved Obamacare, passed the plutocracy-entrenching GOP tax bill, served his country, yet foisted Sarah Freakin’ Palin upon it…it’s complicated. I won’t tell you how to feel about Senator McCain, but if the man doesn’t want America’s greatest domestic enemy stinking up his memorial service with treason and overcooked steak farts, well, I’d say he’s earned the right to make that call.

(Retiring Bigotraisin Orrin Hatch disagrees. Look here, Orrin, you unprincipled, collaborating, embarrassment of a man, NO DECENT AMERICAN wants the Velveeta Vulgarian anywhere near them, least of all in their last moments above ground.)

The Failing New York Times reports the Pusillanimous Pussy-grabber did indeed know about the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen hush money payments months and months ago, despite public pinky-swears to the contrary. (And we really should’ve suspected something…a pinky-swear? Coming from the smallest finger on a hand renowned ’round the world for its pathetic inadequateness?)

Anyway, thanks to Rudy Giuliani’s incessant televised bungling, I have no idea what the spin du jour is anymore. Maybe it’s that Cohen awarded Stormy $130,000 for winning an essay contest on how neat it would be to fuck a guy who runs a fraudulent real estate university, and Il Douche offered to match the donation? Who the fuck knows? Or cares? GETTING BACK TO THE POINT, our President is a known payer of blackmail, and that is an astounding threat to the nation’s security. Fuck all the gossip, THAT’S THE STORY.

Speaking of Cohen, the Wall Street Journal reports investigators are poking around into the whys and wherefores of how he came across an extra 700 grand in cash when he was paying off porn stars and whatnot. Reached for comment, Cohen said “Oh dat? Dat was from da Tooth Fairy.” When asked where all the extra teeth came from, Cohen fell silent for a moment, before pitching his voice higher and declaring “Mikey can’t come to phone right now. Dis is his mother,” and hanging up.

Waterboarding/Evidence Destroying Enthusiast Gina Haspel tried to withdraw her nomination to head the CIA, before being talked down by Shart House officials. “No no, we’re the bad guys, Gina! We pardoned Arpaio! We campaigned for Roy Moore! We break up families and steal health insurance, YOU’RE JUST WHO WE’RE LOOKING FOR!” And then they all ate a live puppy.

The Man with Phalangeal Stunting is NOT happy about John Kerry’s “shadow diplomacy” to preserve the Iran nuclear deal, vastly preferring his own policy of Diplomacy Via Boneheads Who are Barely Smart Enough to Wear Pull-up Pants but are Nevertheless Quite Confident That All Diplomacy is Dumb. Shadow diplomacy probably isn’t nearly as cool as it sounds, by the way. Like, I bet Kerry doesn’t even own a grappling hook, let alone use it to scale skyscrapers in exotic locations to conduct secret meetings with ninjas or Knights Templar.

Sources say Bashful Bob Mueller interviewed Sharty McFly’s Confidant/Fellow Rich Jag Tom Barrack a few months back, though we don’t have much information on what was discussed. However, in a breaking Shower Cap scoop, my mole inside the bureau tells me Mueller really put the screws to Barrack, demanding, “If you’re such a good friend, how come you let him walk around with his necktie tied halfway down to his fucking knees like a prep school kid whose dad is still mad at the cheap gas station condom for breaking and saddling him with a son right in the prime of his life?”

Devin Nunes set down his crusty, dog-eared, copy of CHARLOTTE’S WEB just long enough to threaten Jeff Sessions with contempt if he didn’t hand over a bunch of classified information for Nunes and his cronies to leak. The Pigfucker continued, “And why don’t you save everyone some trouble and just send the docs straight over to the White House? Time is bacon, er, ‘money,’ y’know.”

Missouri Senator Roy Blunt slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to belch up some genuinely embarrassing sycophancy for his party’s Diarrhea Overlord, saying the American people don’t care so much that Oval Office has been soiled by a petty thug who lies and grifts and brings shame upon us all daily, just so long as he keeps cutting hedge fund managers’ taxes and deporting minorities.

Blunt was accompanied in the interview by a sickly, withered, miniature Roy-Blunt-shaped homunculus. When the hosts inquired about it, Roy said, “Oh, that? That’s just my dignity,” upon which it disintegrated and blew away.

WaPo reports that the self-labeled “King of Debt,” (and Cap-labeled “Mountain of Dog Turds”) suddenly started buying a bunch of shit (you know, buildings, golf courses, fake Time Magazine covers) with cash, coincidentally around the time he seems likely to have begun laundering fat stacks of Russian oligarch rubles. Anyway, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence Mueller has so many top-drawer financial crimes prosecutors on his team.

The following is an actual news story, and not a pitch for a 12-episode Netflix show:

Aides to the President of the United States of America hired an Israeli intelligence firm (Called, I shit you not, Black Cube. BLACK FUCKING CUBE. Didn’t Black Cube supply the bomb Auric Goldfinger was gonna use on Fort Knox?) to dig up dirt on officials from his predecessor’s administration in an effort to discredit an international nuclear treaty.

For good measure, Black Cube (Muthafuckin’ BLACK. CUBE.) used to perform similar work for one Harvey Weinstein, discrediting his accusers to cover up his repellent life of crime.

…y’know, I’m starting to doubt the sincerity of these folks’ outrage about the allegedly unforgivably political origins of the Pee Doss-excuse me, STEELE Dossier.

Scott Pruitt’s capacity for manufacturing scandal has officially outpaced my ability to mock it. Honestly, how does this fuckhead find TIME for all this corruption? He’s a malfeasance prodigy. I swear, some day we’re gonna find he was skimming money from the neighborhood lemonade stand, while cutting the product with Crystal Light.

You’ll be pleased to learn your taxpayer money funded a lavish Italian vacation for Scotty and his pals, featuring plenty of sight-seeing as well as the finest dining available. Yes, this administration still wants to cut Meals on Wheels.

Also, Pruitt’s staff works diligently to shield him from public scrutiny and accountability, all while collecting salaries funded by that gaggle of chumps known as “American taxpayers.”

And STILL, despite single-handedly having more scandals than the entire Obama administration, Pruitt will report to work tomorrow morning, and lock himself in his creepy, cum-stained, soundproof booth, because we are governed by people who hold the rule of law in utter contempt. YAY.

While we’re on the subject of America’s Griftiest Cabinet, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao might not get much attention, but it turns out she’s been using her post to help out daddy’s shipping business! Now, while a scandal like this would have surely destroyed any member of Obama’s cabinet, Chao can’t even afford the buy-in at Ryan Zinke’s weekly poker game, where the players are only allowed pay with the proceeds of their corrupt dealings.

CNN sent me a motherfucking push notification about Melania’s approval ratings going up. (NO, I’m not linking!)  Y’all, save that shit for fake Hawaiian nuclear launch alerts, ok? I think I trust myself to identify the appropriate time and place to delve into the first lady’s polling.  Which is never.

Speaking of Melania, she finally launched her campaign against cyber bullying, even while remaining married to history’s most famous cyber bully. I look forward to Karen “Mother” Pence giving a TED talk on the dangers of ignorant, thumb-shaped, theocrats weaponizing phony piety in order to destroy women’s rights.

Oh, and Melania also totally plagiarized her anti-bullying pamphlet. You can tell how much she cares about the issue by the way she goes, “Just slap my name on what the last administration did.” HASHTAG INSPIRATIONAL.

So, a few weeks back, President Crotchvoid signed a big spending bill without reading it, because he doesn’t know shit about shit, and doesn’t care that he doesn’t know shit about shit, he just knows the sooner he signs the bills, the sooner he gets to go golfing. But then the slackjawed talking heads from the magic teevee box, to whom our President provides regular ceremonial offerings of the lettuce and tomatoes from his fast food burgers (veggies are for CUCKS), told him he got a bad deal, so now he wants Congress to pretty please agree to unspend that money so the teevee heads won’t be mad at him anymore.

First on the chopping block is the frivolous, ego-stroking military parade he ordered a little while agHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA fooled you, no, they found 30 million bucks for THAT but they want to cut programs that provide health care to low-income children. Maybe we can put the sick poor kids right in front of the tanks, huh? TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!

Internal candidate polling now shows Negligent Mass-Murderer/Reincarnated 19th Century Robber Baron Don Blankenship actually leading in the West Virginia GOP Senate primary. Blankenship, running on a platform of naked racism and bringing back the Pinkertons to crack skulls during teacher’s strikes, claims he’s even Trumpier than Trump himself, which kind of like pancreatic cancer strutting around in front of other, less fatal cancers. That’s the state of GOP politics in 2018.

…y’know, I’m starting to think we dodged a real bullet when Charles Manson died before the 2018 Republican primary season.

Oliver North was named the new President of the NRA, because what better captain for the Good Ship Murder Lobbyist than a disgraced criminal arms dealer? North plans on holding meetings with fellow Gun Loon Leaders Wayne LaPierre, Dana Loesch, and Ted Nugent in a large, retractable, skull-shaped base in Slaughter Swamp.

Runt of the Klan Litter Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III decided he likes the tingly feeling he gets when he breaks up immigrant families at the border so much, he’s gonna do as much of it as he can before Satan finally drags him down to the deepest pit of hell to chew on his little elf balls for all eternity. No fucking jokes here, folks. Jeff Sessions is one of the worst human beings in our country, a hateful little shitmonster who enjoys hurting people, and thinks his sins are justified because it was a white broad’s crotch he happened to drop out of.

Always nice to see the Shart House congratulate a murderous autocrat on winning a fraudulent election, even as he continues to jail his political opponents. I suppose Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops can be forgiven for this one. Word is, Putin cut a new teaser trailer for the Pee Tape, and plans on attaching it to SOLO’s international release.

George Zimmerman, a celebrity in fuckhead circles because of a murder he committed, has been charged with misdemeanor stalking for repeatedly phoning and texting threats to a private investigator.

Just to be direct for a minute, Zimmerman is essentially THE textbook example of why we push so hard for gun control. I don’t know if this guy is mentally ill or just an out-of-control asshole, but he obviously has dangerously violent tendencies, as demonstrated by a lifetime’s worth of run-ins with the law, and because he was still able to purchase his own little murder machine, a human life was snuffed out.

Let’s make it so the bad guys can’t get fucking guns in the first place.

And somehow, the biggest asshole of the day manages to be a Democrat. Eric Schneiderman, you fucking monster, you better have crawled away by the time I get this post up. And double-fuck you for taking on such an important role in this fight when you fucking well knew this would come out. I wanna build the biggest goddamn catapult in history and send you and Anthony Weiner to the fucking moon. May fire ants fill your colon, you festering hemorrhoid.

(OK.  Fucker resigned while I was editing.  Good.)

…yeah, might’ve gotten a little a nastier than usual tonight. Sorry, friends. To everyone out there resisting in any way, great or small, I appreciate you, I love you, and I hope you’ll keep up the good work. I hope you’ll do even more tomorrow than you did today. Your country needs you, and your labor, and your passion, and your decency. Now more than ever.

Again, if you dug what you read, spend some time on the ol’ blog site: showercapblog.com/…

Share it.  Love it.  Sign up for updates.  Follow @CapShower on Twitter.  Help my lil’ Political Poo Joke Blog flourish!  I thank ye.

Thank you to all who already support our work since we could not exist without your generosity. If you have not already, please consider supporting us on Patreon to ensure we can continue bringing you the best of independent journalism.

Leave a Comment

Be the First to Comment!

avatar