The “Do You Need to Lawyer Up?” Quiz

303
scarybiscuits7 / Flickr Donald Trump you re fired US...
scarybiscuits7 / Flickr

EVERYONE who’s anyone in New York or D.C. is hiring a personal lawyer — it’s all the rage, like a really, really expensive fidget spinner for people with questionable judgment. Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen currently has at least two legal eagles trying to keep him out of prison stripes. And Paul Manafort’s indicted pal Rick Gates had tag teams of lawyers shifting on and off his bench, before he finally copped a plea. If you are wondering whether you might have litigators lurking in your future, take our quiz, add up your score and see if you need to lawyer up!

1. When someone mentions “laundering,” do you think about

a. Having enough clean underwear to make it to Saturday? (0 pts)

b. Going to the dry cleaner? (2 pts)

c. Shell companies you have ties with? (8 pts)

d. Business associates from the former Soviet Union? (10 pts)

2. Are you a lawyer?

a. No (0 pts)

b. Yes (5 pts)

c. Yes but no longer practicing (10 pts)

3. Are you a close associate or former associate of a lawyer who has recently hired a lawyer?

a. No (0 pts)

b. Yes (20 pts)

4. How good are you at lying?

a. Not very (0 pts)

b. I answered yes to question #2. (5 pts)

c. It depends on what the meaning of the word “lying’ is. (8 pts)

d. Why would I lie about fake news? (10 pts)

5. Are you a real estate developer, lobbyist for a foreign power or just totally craven in general?

a. Yes. (10 pts)

b. No. (0 pts)

c. No comment (10 pts

6. How would you define the Russian word “Duma”?

a. No idea (0 pts)

b. A type of flavored vodka (5 pts)

c. Putin’s plaything (10 pts)

d. Russian for non-sexual congress (10 pts)

7.  Have you ever set foot in Trump Tower?

a. No (0 pts.)

b. Yes (5 pts)

c. I can’t recall (10 pts)

8.  Have you ever met Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak?

a. No (0 pts.)

b. Yes (5 pts)

c. I can’t recall (10 pts)

9. Which sentence best articulates the meaning of the phrase “obstruction of justice” to you?

a. My mother sent me to the store to buy a box of obstruction of justice. (5 pts)

b. His big head was blocking my view of Judge Judy on the TV — it was total obstruction of justice. (5 pts)

c. Hiding incriminating evidence is a good example of obstruction of justice. (0 pts)

d. Obstruction of Justice would be a great title for an album by Metallica and Guns ‘n’ Roses. (10  pts)

10. Which of the following statements best describes your attitudes toward the phrase “rule of law?”

a. It defines America. (0 pts)

b. Good luck with that! (5 pts)

c. That’s what they have in The Philippines, right?  (8 pts)

d.  Nobody has more respect for women than I do. (15 pts)

11. When it comes to justifying your actions, you:

a. Lash out at anyone and everyone  (10 pts)

b. Accept full responsibility (0 pts)

c. Deny via Twitter (8 pts)

d. Are really sorry and thank everyone for understanding this personal matter. (8 pts)

Your Score

0-30: Relax. You don’t even need a paralegal.

30-50: A few more points, and you’ll be calling Jacoby & Meyers (no fee unless they win!). Stay out of politics and real estate and you’ll be fine.

51-to-75: Retainer City! You need to start the process — and remember two things: The walls have ears and every six minutes is billable!

Over 75: You have the right to remain silent until your lawyer gets here. To discuss plea deals

Thank you to all who already support our work since we could not exist without your generosity. If you have not already, please consider supporting us on Patreon to ensure we can continue bringing you the best of independent journalism.

Leave a Comment

Be the First to Comment!

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of