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Dear Scott:

Your landlord in D.C. locked you out?! That’s terrible! The good news is that I have over 24 years of legal experience helping vulnerable tenants fight back against lockouts. Before I offer my services, however, I have a few questions about the urgency and strength of your case.

First question: In the wake of this lockout, do you have the means to avoid homelessness? I understand that the Trump Administration is buying you a $70,000 desk. Perhaps you can sleep on or under such a desk. Or, since most teachers in your state of Oklahoma live in houses that cost under $70,000, maybe you can sell your desk and buy a house. Or you could pow wow with your fellow Trump Cabinet member Ben Carson at the $31,000 dining table in his Housing & Urban Development office suite and learn about the housing opportunities he might have for you.

Second question: As you can imagine, the judges and juries in lockout/eviction cases have little sympathy for difficult tenants. You know, the kind of person who makes their environments toxic. Have you made the environment more or less toxic since you arrived in D.C.? I wonder.

Third: Are you available to attend the upcoming hearings and trial? From what I hear, you fly first class all over the country and world and might therefore have to be excused from some scheduled hearings. Any judge will have to hear a very good reason for the travel before giving a pass or a continuance. An example of a good reason for travel comes from your predecessor at the Environmental Protection Agency who flew all over the world to help President Obama persuade countries to sign on to the landmark Paris Climate Accord. A bad reason for all the travel would be in an effort to help Trump roll back environmental protections. Those are just a couple of examples and, frankly, pretty obvious ones. Let me know if we have a problem here.

Fourth, it’s always helpful when a tenant’s employer can submit a sworn declaration with good words of support for the tenant. I heard your boss claim that he has the “best words.” THE BEST WORDS! So, like wow, a declaration from someone like that would be awesome.

Fifth, you have to be completely honest with me about the facts of the case, the amount of the rent, market value, your relationship with the landlord, and other basic information. Have you lied to any previous counsel about this matter? Surely not, since the matter is so recent. But I have to ask.

Once you answer those questions, I’ll get right back to you with my evaluation. By the way, you should know that while homelessness often follows unemployment, I think you might soon experience the very reverse order of that. So please keep me posted with any new contact information.

Yours truly,
Gary Rhoades, Esq.

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