Damanpreet Singh / Flickr Donald Trump is running out of...
Damanpreet Singh / Flickr

Welcome back to our weekly look of what the idiot manchild in the Oval Office (or rather, nearly every weekend, at one of his private golf clubs) is doing with his weekend time, aka That Stuff He Tweets. Donald J. Trump is having a difficult weekend. His motorcade had to divert from its usual route between his golf course and his private Florida resort so that Donald would not have to see March for Our Lives protesters holding signs in his general direction. Tonight a major television network will be airing an interview with one of his alleged mistresses, a porn actress whose $130,000 “hush arrangement” with Trump for an affair while his wife Melania was at home with his infant son is the least-secret secret in the country. And the man can’t find lawyers to defend him in the investigation into that thing he said he absolutely for sure didn’t do.

But before that, let’s check the Twitter feed for any acknowledgement from the rapidly congealing cheeseburger in chief of the nationwide rallies against gun violence held by Americans in 800+ cities this weekend.

Oh, right. He couldn’t be bothered addressing gun violence; he was too busy talking about France. One presumes this is because hundreds of thousands of Americans marching against rampant gun violence didn’t make it onto Fox News.

But the main event was, as it is every single last sodding weekend, a furious thumb-wagging monologue to convince anyone in America not already aware that the man lies about everything, all the time that he Did Not Do The Russia Thing. This time, it was channeled into the assertion that he can too find lawyers to represent him, so shut up shut up shut up:

This was, obviously, a response to news reports that crackpot lawyer WhatsHisFace diPunditguy had turned down a White House offer to be one of Trump’s lawyers. Fame and fortune will NEVER be turned down, you see, except when they are, because reasons.

And if they do then who cares, they were money-grubbing grifters anyway and our great country is better off not hav—wait, our great country? He’s not footing the bill for this, he intends for the taxpayers to defend him from NO COLLUSION? Huh.

Otherwise, the weekend before the big Stormy Daniels interview was suspiciously quiet. Suspiciously too quiet. Tellingly, perhaps, the First Lady did not return to the White House with Donald, but will remain at Mar-a-Lago for spring break “as is their tradition.” (They have a tradition?) So Donald will be watching television alone tonight.

There was this tidbit, though. After complaining bitterly about the omnibus he signed on Friday, or at least we think he signed on Friday, he did spend some effort polishing up the spending package in his usual, deeply bizarre way.

You have to hand it to the man: Donald has the uncanny ability to dispense words that somehow manage to have less meaning in total than they do individually. It is refrigerator magnet poetry made flesh. Or, at least, made thumbs.

As with most of Trump’s tweet-shouts, without an interpreter it’s not 100% clear what the man means. “Build WALL through M!” appears to be a proposal to … have the “Military” build the wall? Out of their own budget, is that what he’s suggesting here? Or out of MREs? It’s not immediately clear; he could also be declaring that he wants to build a WALL, and an uppercased one at that, through “Military” bases or, for that matter, he could be promoting a We All Like Lasagna monument that goes through the town of Monroe. You just never know, and when you think you know the White House will tell you you’re wrong anyway. Perhaps we will find out tomorrow.

Anyway, have a fun evening of television-watching, Donald. At least it’s something you’re good at!

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