Days like this, I have to wonder if I’m in the Matrix, y’know? Hey, if I’m in the Matrix, and you’re reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing?
Since superheroes are so popular these days (why, this very blog was composed by a masked marvel), let’s start things off by meeting Washington’s new super team; The Amazing, Uncanny, Fantabulous, Weather-Changing Jews! Yes, a D.C. city councilman (and a Democrat, I guess we can’t let the opposition have ALL the lunatics) got all mad at “the Rothschilds” for making it snow. Anyhow, enjoy your “Sorry I’m a big idiot bigot” tour, Trayon White, and maybe readjust those dreams of a bright political future.
Velveeta Goebbel’s new strategy to surround himself with people who tell him only what he wants to hear is going swimmingly, thank you very much. He saw this dude, Joseph diGenova, on the teevee, babbling baseless conspiracy theories about the “Deep State,” or maybe the “Floating Little Fat People,” and said “PUT THIS MAN ON THE PAYROLL,” because that’s how his brain works, aren’t you glad he can launch nuclear missiles whenever the whim strikes him?
Lord. Well, make sure he pays you up front, Joe.
Please God, let there be a televised trial. Please let the world watch this utterly unqualified clown car “legal team” try to defend this petty goon’s decades-spanning criminal career. It’ll be Devil’s Advocate meets Dude, Where’s My Car?
Il Douche also wanted to add Theodore Olson, who is a real actual lawyer, to his team, and that news was out there for about four minutes before Olson’s firm hired a skywriter to spell out “FUCK NO” across the D.C. skies.
So we all know the Marmalade Shartcannon isn’t exactly a policy wonk. He wants a Big Stupid Useless Wall, he wants to deport brown people, and beyond that…”whatever you want, Paul, just let me slap my name on it.”
But now he’s got an idea of his very own, and he’s prancing about like a boy who pulled up his pants for the very first time. He’s like Harold Hill, singing “River City’s gonna have A GREAT BIG FUCKING GALLOWS FOR DRUG DEALERS!”
Yeah, Donnie Two Scoops’ big idea is “Let’s Murder Our Way Out of the Opioid Crisis.” The idea of implementing the death penalty for drug dealers is, of course, as psychotic as it is unconstitutional. It’s also tremendously unpopular. It also reveals that our President envies a thug like Rodrigo Duterte, which is equal parts horrifying and embarrassing.
We were all thrilled to hear Sarah Huckabee Sanders declare the Austin bombings don’t count as terrorism! Everyone immediately stopped feeling terrorized by the reign of terror that had previously gripped the city until the Shart House heroically proclaimed “Nah, white guy, not terrorism,” because everything was fine then. The bomber committed suicide, by bomb, so he was a LITERAL SUICIDE BOMBER, but somehow not a terrorist, thanks for clearing that up, Sarah.
Hey Cambridge Analytica, YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA! And you’re 31 flavors of fucked now! Bragging about blackmail and hookers and all kinds of shady shit. Oh, and they’re also quite proud of getting a certain Giant Orange Rectal Tumor elected, so they’re unlikely to win many friends.
Anyway, CA has “suspended” Alexander Nix, while the Mercers have oh-so-cleverly shifted him over to brand new company they’ve decided to call “Emerdata Limited,” after briefly flirting with the name “Totally Not Cambridge Analytica Wink Wink.”
Facebook’s taking the “sure we’ll apologize and testify before Congress now that you’ve caught us with our pants down” tack, and if I have to watch a Jesse Eisenberg movie about this shit, heads are gonna fucking ROLL.
Dr. Ben Carson got dragged before congress for his “the FUCK are you doing spending 31 grand on a fucking table, Ben?” scolding, and he brought a bright, shiny, bus to throw his wife under. It was his wife who picked out the table, y’see, BROADS, AMIRIGHT, but then you have to ask WHAT THE LIVING FUCK MAKES YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING WIFE IS ALLOWED TO SPEND TAXPAYER MONEY? and then Carson just got to go back to his job, without consequences, because ethics are for CUCKS.
Meanwhile, Noted Whacko/Tragically Somehow a U.S. CongressWhacko Claudia Tenney says it was the DEEP STATE that ordered the dastardly dining set, because where most human beings have a brain, Claudia has only a small malnourished vole, gnawing on a bleach-soaked cotton ball.
We learned what sorts of questions Rugged Robert Mueller wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, which goes a long way towards explaining the week’s Presidential Twitter Tantrums. Mueller wants to know things like “What was that ‘Comey firing’ thing all about?” and “You’re a grown-ass man, why can’t you tie a necktie to an appropriate length?”
And even as the President rages, the congressional GOP refuses to pass legislation to protect the Mueller investigation, I guess because they’re hoping a comet ends all life on Earth before they face the inevitable reckoning for their craven collaboration.
When Pearl Harbor was bombed, Franklin Delano Roosevelt delivered the still-famous “Infamy Speech,” rousing and uniting the nation against the aggression of a warlike foe.
When Vladimir Putin attacked our democracy, and then further ordered a chemical weapons attack on the soil of our closest ally, Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Can I please have my allowance now, Vlad?”) delivered the equally-famous “Bro! Congrats on your big election win, You Oppressive Dictator, You!” phone call, uniting the nation once more, this time in shame.
Hitting the g-spot on the hilarious/tragic axis, we learned that the Accidental Poosquirt bucked his handlers…excuse me, “advisors,” who had actually written DO NOT CONGRATULATE on his briefing materials, possibly accompanied by a scratch n sniff sticker to make sure he noticed it.
I’m told General Kelly has had similar luck with his DO NOT PISS HERE signs, posted near various plants and historic vases in the West Wing.
Additionally, it turns out that Trump’s First Theorem of Pussy-Grabbing, “When you’re a star, you can do anything,” is facing a number of serious challenges.
A judge ruled that Summer Zervos’ defamation lawsuit can proceed, despite the “But I’m the PRESIDENT” whining-based defense his lawyers have been pushing.
Plus, Karen McDougal is suing the company that owns the National Enquirer, looking to liberate her surely-revolting story of trumpgrinding from “catch and kill” purgatory.
And Stormy Daniels continues to be the skidmark down the crack of the President’s white golf pants, with news of her “Yup, we boinked” lie detector test filling America’s collective mind with entirely unwanted images. Oh, and her 60 Minutes interview, which will certainly be watched by more people than viewed Shart Garfunkel’s inauguration ceremony, airs this Sunday.
The National Republican Congressional Committee took an odd little victory lap over a close race in the Democratic Party primary election in the Illinois 3rd last night. Yeah, guys…a centrist and a progressive ran neck-and-neck in that one. Maybe y’all forgot that an ACTUAL, LITERAL, NAZI ran unopposed on YOUR side of IL-03? Congrats on being the party running A NAZI for the United States Congress. Bonus points for the 20,000 GOP voters who said, Yessir, That Nazi is the Man to Represent Me in Washington!
MY party isn’t running ANY Nazis. That’s the end of any argument the NRCC feels like picking today.
Fux Nooz analyst Colonel Ralph Peters stole a bunch of office supplies, pissed on the break room floor, and resigned in a huff, sending a surly letter proclaiming his outrage about the network’s transformation into a “propaganda machine.”
Ralph, what in the Blue Hell did you think Fox was before? I hope this guy leaves his brain to science, because I’d LOVE to learn at exactly what point during the decades of dishonesty, fear-mongering, sexism, racism, birtherism, homophobia, etc. his decency canary finally died. “Endless shrieking about Vince Foster is one thing, but at a certain point, a gentleman must say NO MORE.” Fuuuuuuuuck you.
Didja see where the RNC is paying the Drumpf Organization hundreds of thousands of dollars to hold events at properties the Grand Wizard Grifter owns? GodDAMN that shit makes me laugh. He’s crotch-stomping your entire party, and you’re paying him for the privilege. Like, “Thank you Mr. President, we couldn’t have lost that Alabama Senate seat withoutcha! HAVE SOME MORE OF OUR MONEY.”
Friends, sometimes I feel like I feed you nothing but shit sandwiches on this blog, so I’m always happy when I can give you some good news.
And today? Today I have red velvet cupcake for you, with sumptuous cream cheese frosting. Today, for the first time in years, the NRA’s approval rating is under water. That’s the sweetest news I’ve read since October, 2016.
Hey, remember the other day when Jeff Sessions un-recused himself just long enough to fire Andrew McCabe a few hours before he earned his pension? Well, funny story, it turns out Ol’ Beauregard was actually firing a guy who authorized an earlier investigation into…well, into JEFF SESSIONS over his wacky, under-oath-during-his-Senate-confirmation-hearings memory lapses about various meetings with Russians.
Now that’s CRAZY. The Attorney General of the United States of America firing a dude who investigated him? And out of pure vindictiveness, since the guy was about to retire anyway? Holy shit.
Wanna know what’s even CRAZIER?
Jeff Sessions will still be Attorney General tomorrow.
If Eric Holder did this, and if Obama were tied to the firing the way Drumpf is to McCabe’s, the impeachment trial would start before today’s bread goes stale.
Speaking of criminals in the executive branch, it looks like Kellyanne Conway’s punishment for multiple Hatch Act violations will be…a promotion! A communications director famed worldwide for her comical lack of honesty? Makes sense t’me! Expect press briefings to begin with a moment of silence commemorating the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.
Hey, Rick Saccone finally conceded, in that one special election. You remember. The one in the deep-red district Drumpfy won by 20 points? The one where he held a big fancy (Klan) rally? Yeah. That one. Hee hee hee.
There was a fun little story about the Saudi Crown Prince bragging about how he had his very own pet Jar-Jar inside the American government. Dude even says Kushner passed him classified intel on his enemies, that’s fun! At least he didn’t have a private e-mail server, RIGHT?
More bad news for the Weaseliest Grifter, as New York City opened new investigations into a dozen Kushner Korporation properties over their recently revealed history of Pulling Paperwork Directly Out of Their Asses. I’m starting to think that Jared boy is something less than honest.