djtrumpnetwork SOsos / Flickr Trump...
djtrumpnetwork SOsos / Flickr

If it seems like only yesterday that people were concerned about how Donald Trump has begun to directly attack Special Counsel Robert Mueller, that’s because it was yesterday. It’s also today.

But, as it turns out, this may all be a big misunderstanding.

Donald Trump apparently doesn’t realize that Robert Mueller is a human being assigned to investigate the connections between his campaign and Russia. He thinks Mueller is a “council,” like those blue ribbon panels that Trump is always saying are so worthless—on the same day he starts a new one. And since he can’t see why we need The The Council to find Wether Crimes, this all seems like a waste to Trump. A wether witch hunt!

So, explaining it s… l… o… w… l… y… Robert Mueller is a special counsel. He’s a Republican former FBI director, appointed to his position by Republican Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein (one of your guys), after you fired Republican FBI Director James Comey for not dropping his investigation into how multiple members of your campaign just kept on talking, talking, talking to Russian officials. And lying about it. Rosenstein is in charge of this because Republican Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III (another of your guys) had to recuse himself, because—funny story—it turns out he was one of those guys who kept on talking, talking, talking to Russian officials. And lying about it.

Now Robert Mueller has indicted your former campaign chair, deputy campaign chair, national security advisor, foreign policy advisor, and thirteen helpful Russians. Some of those people have already made deals to help Mueller so they won’t go to jail for 1,000 years. Mueller is also looking into your business dealings because—another funny story—it turns out that you were bailed out of your umpteenth bankruptcy by a bunch of Russian mobsters. Coincidence? Hey, that’s what Mueller’s checking into.

Oh, and it turns out that your whole campaign was run by a “data analysis firm” that specializes in stealing data, handing out bribes, blackmailing people with hookers, and in general following that “I just want to watch the world burn” philosophy so ably voiced by both the Joker and that asshole who kept blowing up people in Austin. Mueller might look into that, too. Plus he’ll probably check on how you were blackmailed. With hookers. By Russians.

That’s pretty much it. That’s the basics. Just remember, for future reference, Robert Mueller is not a tidy little blue ribbon panel. He’s a Marine and a former FBI director with your picture on his wall. And a box of darts.

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